Top 25 Things I Learned Growing Up Catholic

Stephen Arch                        



(I came by these 25 points quite honestly.  I implore you to believe these facts - I have made nothing up in the commentary below - every one of the 25 happened to me at some point of my Catholic School years)

25.  Be seen and not heard and only speak when spoken to

24.  When on vacation, you MUST vacation near a Roman Catholic church because God knows and will not forget that you did not attend mass on Sunday during vacation

23.  Run home and tell parents what you did wrong before THEY call home

22.  Staying out of hell is more important than going to heaven

21.  Being an alter boy meant power in the school, but being a crossing guard wearing the Nazi designed bright orange belt/sash gives you supreme power over your fellow students and give you power to stop cars

20.  Wooden rulers with metal edges hurt really bad

19.  If you had to go the restroom during a two hour long activity, it was better to have kidney's burst or peeing your pants is not the worst thing that could ever happen to you

18.  If you are not perfect, the devil can REALLY own your soul and will NEVER give it back

17.  Finding out a nun's real name could be one of the worse things you could ever do

16.  Our sins are being tabulated by angels and are categorized in heaven as to which sins will get you sent directly to hell or be forced to float in purgatory until you earn enough prayers from the living.  Who knows, you have to pray all of the time because you don't know where your deceased relative's soul is at that time and only the "certain" amount of prayers will advance them to heaven

15.  Incense really does stink and makes alter boy's nauseous

14.  Nuns are fastidious record takers and adjust punishment severity as the same misdemeanor is repeated

13.  The nice Sisters had roughly 1000 creative forms of punishment which are good for saving your soul, and I would rather have been waterboarded than face 990 of them

12.  Infants who die before being baptized must spend all eternity in limbo

11.  Don't play with your first ever new watch because if a nun catches you. the watch is going to confiscated and given to pagan babies

10.  Pagan babies really exist.  I know because I was able to purchase one and receive his/her photo.  The more money I gave to the pagan babies helped in getting their souls into heaven because they can't help being pagans.

 9.  The more pagan babies you own, the more chance there is to getting into heaven

 8.  Making the sign of the cross left-handed means you are saluting Satan and he may own your soul

 8.  Stealth attacks are the most effective ways of punishing a child - better to not know they are coming

 7.  If you are starving on a Friday in lent and someone gives you a hot dog, you MUST throw it away immediately to avoid temptation of eating meat on that day 

 6.  How to fold a newspaper into a tiny square while riding on a bus so that one doesn't disturb other passengers

5.  If it doesn't kill you, it is the best training to ensure heavenly bliss

4.  If you are sitting in the back of the room and your teacher who is a nun in full habit is standing in front of the blackboard, and you squint hard enough, you could make the nun's body disappear and only see a head floating in front of the room

3.  Crying only makes the punishment worse and feeds the disciplinarian's passion to administer more.  And, it makes you look weak in front of your classmates EVEN IF you are an alter boy or traffic guard

 2. If you touch a consecrated host, you are actually touching Jesus, and the host will turn to blood in your hands (this is a TRUE story)

 1. I'm definitely going to hell for publishing this Top 25 List!