Why Was Valentine's Day Invented?
WHO'S TORTURING WHOM?
An Accurate Accounting of Valentine's Day As I See It
I LOVE MY WIFE, LOVE HER WITH MY ENTIRE HEART AND SOUL, LOVE HER EVERYDAY. BUT WHY DO I HAVE TO LOVE HER EVEN MORE ON A DREARY, CLOUDY, SNOW COVERED FEBRUARY 14?
I get it. Valentine's Day is romantic. It is fun. It is whimsical. It is magical. It is a pain in the butt, really. Valentine's Day means flowers - lots of flowers - gifts - romantic dinners - lots of hugging - and then, yes then, time for bed. (Well actually, if you've been married as long as we have, getting in the sack at 9:00 on a Saturday night means it's time to go to sleep - at least to my wife it does). Once her head hits the pillow, she's gone. No romance, no fifty shades of gray "stuff" - it's no different than any other day of the year. Mind you, we have always been early to bed, early to rise, working hard type of people. Can't remember a time when we "rang in the new year" at 12 midnight. No, New Year's Eve - the bed looks mighty welcoming around 10:00.
But Valentine's Day. Really? Come on. I buy my lovely wife flowers a lot. I buy or write her cards everyday. I talk to her and tell her how deeply I care about her all of the time. Yes ladies, I know, you are thinking that "I must be special." Your husbands are not like me, so you need the day. But I by nature am a helpless romantic, and Valentine's Day cheapens my romanticity. There is nothing "new" I can buy my wife for Valentine's Day. Get her a card? Good grief. Why would a romantically inclined English professor purchase a card that someone else wrote. You go to the store (get them really cheap at Dollar General), read the card, and say to yourself "yeah, that's what I meant. The preprinted card says is so much more romantically than I ever could." Plus, my wife is very, very frugal. If I were to spend more than $5 on a card or if I happened to buy flowers that were pretty much on their way downhill - dying as I purchased them, lasting only a few, short days, my wife would kill me! "Why would you spend that money when you could write it yourself" I hear time and time again.
Have you seen the HUGE STUFFED BEAR commercial on TV recently? Talk about a sexual subliminal message. You get your wife a $100 six foot tall bear, and she is seen jumping into bed with it wearing her sexiest pajamas and winking at the camera. The commercial concentrates on the sexual side of this bear. Lots of winking at the camera. What, does the bear have a penis? That's the only thing I can think of why a woman would jump into bed with it and wink at the camera. No, it doesn't have a penis (at least I don't think it does). I get it. The wink from the sexy pj'd woman who is happy to jump into bed with the bear KNOWS that the bear will go right to sleep and not beg her for sex all night. That's the ticket. "Here honey. Take Mr. Six Foot Bear to bed and fall asleep at 9:00 without worrying about my needs. I love you."
ANIMALS IN LOVE
FOR VALENTINE'S DAY
HUMANS IN LOVE
FOR VALENTINE'S DAY
FOR VALENTINE'S DAY
Oh? Your wife doesn't like stale fruit covered with chocolate? Every sexy movie I watched that involved fruit and chocolate meant that the woman was begging the man to pour hot chocolate over her and eat fruit off her belly. When does that actually happen? Do you know the mess that would make on your bed. You'd have to put a drop cloth or plastic tarp on your expensive bed and mattress set to pull that trick off. That's why the invented sleep number beds - my frugal wife would NEVER allow me to bring chocolate and fruit onto a $4000 bed. The numbers don't matter. "He's a sixty. She's a thirty." What does that mean?
Well, at least the bear doesn't care that she's a thirty. And, why would I leave the comfort of my sixty to climb onto her uncomfortable thirty. She'd have to climb onto my sixty if she wants, and believe me, when her head hits the pillow, bear or no bear, she's doesn't want anything to do with my sixty.
Back to Valentine's Day. Quick. Think. Who is St. Valentine? Don't know, do you? Then why are you celebrating this holiday for him?
The Bloody History of Valentine’s Day
"The real and tangled history of St. Valentine is much more interesting than Hallmark’s commercialized day of excess.
"There are few holidays as overhyped and exploitative as Valentine’s Day. The financial and emotional inflation that takes place around today means thoughtful gifts are undervalued and overpriced. Expectations run high: if you’re not whisking that special someone away for the weekend you may as well be getting them a toast rack. The situation is just as bad for those “celebrating” the holiday alone. Try looking the Seamless delivery guy in the eye or getting a reasonably priced brunch this weekend, if you can.
"The history of Valentine’s Day. Doesn't that much better?"
"One theory about the origins of Valentine’s Day is that it is timed to coincide with the ancient festival of Lupercalia. On this day Roman priests would sacrifice a goat and dog before dividing the goat’s hides into strips, submerging them in the blood of the sacrificed animals, and slapping women and crops with the blood. According to legend, the women would then be paired with randomly selected bachelors for the following year. Clinical, abusive, and demeaning to women? The release of “50 Shades of Grey” today is hardly a coincidence.
"All the same, it’s unclear if Lupercalia actually has anything to do with the romantic saint’s days. The first writer to actually associate the two was the nineteenth-century writer Francis Douce, who was commenting on Shakespeare. Early Christians didn’t seem to associate the two. When Pope Gelasius I banned Lupercalia he didn’t start sending candygrams" (Candida Moss. The Daily Beast. February 14, 2015).
Now that's a romantic, sexy story, isn't it. I think today, Valentine's Day, I am going to sacrifice a goat for my wife and slap her with blood. Now, that would be true love.
I have been rehabbing my knee this week, haven't had time to buy a card, haven't been able to drive and get flowers, she isn't a fan of boxed chocolates. No, tonight, there won't be any special Valentine's "action" tonight as I sit here fresh off a total knee replacement My wife wouldn't want to "pop my stitches" now would she?
MY VALENTINE'S GREETING TO ALL OF YOU
HAPPY ST. VALENTINE'S DAY
10 THINGS TO DO WITH YOUR LOVAH ON VALENTINES DAY
BY RACHEL DRATCH
Dratch Blog from SNL Newsgroup
This is from a post on the SNL Newsgroup
10. Fill your bellies with ham.
9. Creep down the staircase, silent as mice, and then break the early morning silence with the screams of your love making.
8. Visit the build-your-own omelette station at the prestigious Wesley
7. Practice shin-shi shin-shi, unless your LUVAH thinks it unclean.
6. Make room for 2 more LUVAHs in the ha-tub.
5. Take your LUVAH for a romantic drive in the SubaROO.
4. Cover your bodies with woolen shawls, and savor hot spiced lamb
3. Playfully grope your LUVAH's secret cul-de-sac.
2. Enjoy a picnic lunch of goat meat and moussaKA, then make love on each and every picnic table in the park.
1. My back! Ow! My back! Are you deaf? Get the hell off me!